The Break: Up?
by MJ Awesome
Summary: ***Final CHAPTER UP*****OKAY! Last Chapter is now up! :) :)! I hope you are not to sad that it's kind of short. :( Review! Okay, Rachel makes a promise, but can she keep it? Sad first chapter, Not too bad though, I Think. R+R!
1. It's been a While

It's Been A While  
  
Rachel entered the Central Perk. She had just patched things up with Ross, since she hadn't seen him since the following night. She was so happy that the relationship didn't end. She was so happy they resolved it. She walked up to Gunther. Usually, she would have sat down to have her coffee, but no one was there. In fact, she hadn't seen Ross all day. She wondered what would be more important than spending time with his girlfriend, but didn't mind. As long as they were okay.  
  
"Hey Gunther, give me a double Mocha chino, I'm in a particularly good mood today." She smiled. Gunther looked at her stone faced.  
  
"Oh, then I guess Ross hasn't told you yet." He said as he got a cup and began to fill it. Rachel stared at him thinking what he was talking about, but soon gave up.  
  
"Told me what?" She asked nervously. She couldn't ever tell when Gunther was happy, sad, or anything, he only had one expression.  
  
"About him sleeping with the Xerox girl last night."  
  
"What?" She asked quietly.  
  
"Yea, Chloe." He smiled inside, but then he looked into her eyes. She was hurt. He had just given her the biggest pain she had ever felt, and it hurt him as well to know he had just caused it. He handed her the coffee. "It's on the house." He said quickly and walked over to the cash register. Rachel turned herself around slowly, still a little confused by the blow. She took her cup and walked to the back of the Central Perk, promising herself she wouldn't cry.  
  
People came in and went out. She sat there for about an hour and a half, not touching her coffee. She didn't want to move. She wanted to die. But, she still didn't know the full story. 'Who am I kidding myself? I don't need a story, I need the truth.' She thought. She felt her eyes filling, but she wiped them away quickly, making sure that they would stay that way. That's when he entered. She watched him run up to the counter, to Gunther. She didn't hear what he said to Gunther, but she watched him turn around, and saw his pained face when he saw her. It was true. She could tell by his apologetic face that he did it. He was guilty. He started walking towards her, his eyes pleading, begging her not to move, to stay there. 'To hell with him.' She thought. She stood with much force, and hurried out of the Central Perk.  
  
He followed her to the apartment. She shut the door, with him still in it. He was begging her but she shut him out. She just stared at him. Him and his eyes. Those eyes. No! She was much to mad at him to be admiring him. The son of a bitch cheated on her. She started into her room, but Ross yelled.  
  
"RACHEL! WAIT!" She turned around abruptly. He had never seen her so angry. She looked at him. "Please, don't shut me out, talk to me."  
  
"Why the hell should I talk to you? I just found out you had sex with another woman, and now I should have to LISTEN to you?" She yelled.  
  
"No, I didn't want to. I was just so miserable..." He began. He looked at her and could tell she didn't want to hear.  
  
"What do you mean you didn't WANT to? She raped you? Is that is? Right. Okay, come here poor baby." She shouted out sarcastically.  
  
"Hey, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think you were doing it at the exact same time!" He yelled in defense.  
  
"You obviously don't know me very well then do you? I would NEVER put our relationship in jeopardy like that!"  
  
"I didn't even think we HAD a relationship at the time!"  
  
"We didn't BREAK up Ross! You stormed out without even trying to discuss it with me! We could have resolved this if you had JUST waited!" She screamed as she folded her arms.  
  
"How the Hell was I supposed to know that's what you wanted?"  
  
"I'm a woman! We don't tell you what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it." She said, a little quieter than she had been talking before. Ross rubbed his head.  
  
"Rachel." He said in a pleading tone. "I never would have done this if I were conscious. I was drunk, I acted on impulse."  
  
"How many lame ass excuses can you make? That's number three I think, I must have lost count!"  
  
"I'm not making excuses! You mean everything to me! I would never-"  
  
"OBVIOUSLY I don't mean too damn much to you if you slept with the first whore who was willing! I mean, God Ross..." She put her hand on her head, it was throbbing. She wasn't going to cry. She wasn't. "What the hell were you thinking?"  
  
"I was thinking of you and Mark, that's what I was thinking of." He said harshly.  
  
"Shit! Will you just get OVER Mark? Am I slut Ross? Am I a fucking slut who sleeps around with guys? Huh? Would I end a relationship that I was completely and unbelievably happy in for another guy whom I had NO interest in?"  
  
"No, I just, I trust you, and I don't trust him. I didn't like the fact that you were spending SO much time with him." He said helplessly.  
  
"My JOB is important to me! I had NO interest in Mark, whatsoever! And you thought I was SLEEPING with him? I'm so happy you trust me, but I don't trust you! You ruined our relationship by your mistake, your stupid fucking mistake!"  
  
"Rachel! Could even TRY to forgive me?"  
  
"Suppose I DID forgive you, how in hell would I know you wouldn't do it again?"  
  
"Do you think this is fun for me Rach? Do I look like I am enjoying this? I have learned my lesson!"  
  
"NO! If you were sorry, you never would have done this. I figured that there was no one in this world that couldn't hurt me.." She let the tears roll. Her dignity was already lost. "And then I found you, I thought, 'thank you GOD! Thank you for giving me this angel. This one man who would love me and put me on the highest pedestal and treat me like I was the Goddamned queen of Sheba.' I thought if there was one man in this world who would love me, respect me, and care for me no matter what, I had found him. I would have walked to both ends of the earth for you, but I guess I was wrong. I hate it when I'm wrong."  
  
She sat down on the couch and buried her head in her hands. Ross cried. He hadn't felt this low, this disgusting.  
  
"I still am all that stuff. I never changed, my love for you never changed."  
  
"No, it did. And you're not even the same person to me anymore. You are no better than Joey." That stung into Ross deeply. He would never compare what he did to something Joey would do, but deep inside he saw exactly what she meant.  
  
"Rach, you can't just throw our relationship away like this. I won't let you."  
  
"I will do what I want to do because as far as I am concerned, you threw this relationship away. I am constantly getting hurt. It really makes me wonder if you even love me."  
  
"I do love you. I would never want to hurt you, Rach." Ross said his voice cracking. Rachel cried more. It hurt so badly. She looked at him square in the eyes.  
  
"It's funny how the ones we love can hurt us the most. I loved you Ross. I gave you my all to make you happy." She whispered.  
  
"Rachel, I can't live without you. I need you..."  
  
"How much do you love me?" She said in a more balanced voice.  
  
"So much it hurts. It hurts..."  
  
"Then Leave." She said looking back up at him. She sniffed. "Leave. If you love me you won't make me say it twice." Ross didn't budge. He stood there crying. He was so lost. He knew if he didn't try harder he would lose her forever. He refused to leave.  
  
"LEAVE!" She screamed. Ross closed his eyes. He wasn't leaving. "Does this give you some kind of a sick pleasure? Seeing my pain? You are a stranger to me. I don't know you. This isn't the Ross I know." Ross opened his eyes and walked over to her.  
  
"You're right, I know it was wrong. I know. I am so so sorry. If I could go back in time you would have never had to find out about this...."  
  
"Wa-wa-wait. What? I never would have found out? So, you would have still done it, only I wouldn't have FOUND OUT?!" He moved hi closer to her and took her hand, but she jerked it away quickly. "Don't fucking touch me."  
  
"That's not what I meant, I just, I wish you hadn't called a break.  
  
"SHUT UP Ross!" I have NO regrets on calling that break! ON that break I realized how I couldn't imagine my life without you. I remembered how right it felt in your arms! I was happy to get over it and get back with you. My love for you grew. But obviously for you it made you realize that you don't need me! So DON'T say you need me!"  
  
"Okay! Okay! I have tried and tried to get a word in, so now it's my turn. I made a mistake, and I realize this. I have NO time machine. I have NO magic powers, and I have NO way to go back and fix this. I've tried, 'love you's' I've tried the 'I need you's..."  
  
"TRY HARDER!" Rachel rolled her eyes. She was so irritated, hurt, betrayed, she basically felt every negative feeling all rolled into one emotion.  
  
"Hey! You don't know how horrible I feel! Nothing I say s working! What do I do?:"  
  
"I don't know!"  
  
"Okay, knowing what you know now, would you have slept with Mark?"  
  
"HONESTLY? NO! Because THEN I would be NO BETTER that you! You are a sorry excuse for a human Being! God, and to have to hear it from CUNTHER!"  
  
"I tried to stop that from happening!"  
  
"Oh, My God. You wouldn't have told me would you? You would have had me walk around smiling like I had won the lottery while EVERYONE KNEW?"  
  
"NO! HOW do I to FIX THIS!"  
  
"Ross, I don't think you can." She sobbed.  
  
"No, Rachel, don't do this to me. I'm dying. I so so so sorry. Please give me another chance. One more is all I ask.."  
  
"no." She whispered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"NO! I won't allow myself to be hurt by you again."  
  
"What about me? Do you think I am happy about this?"  
  
"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SELFISH? I DIDN'T CHEAT ON YOU! I DIDN'T GET INTO SOME DRUNKEN STUPOR AND BANG SOME RANDOM PERSON! You cheated on me. And My heart can't take the Wrath Of Ross any longer."  
  
"Well you can't make me stop loving you."  
  
"You'll have to get over it then, because I have to try to too."  
  
"I can try and change your mind." He said softly as he neared her. He took her hands and kissed her lips. She pulled away quickly. He just looked at her desperately. She looked down and shook her head.  
  
"You know it's over, when a kiss is just another kiss."  
  
And that was it. Ross couldn't try anything more. She had pointed out too many things, and there was nothing he could do. He nodded slowly, and went to hug her. Rachel stopped him.  
  
"Go." She said in a whisper. "Just go." And he did. Everything was out in the open and there was room for turning back, but both of them moved forward.  
  
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000  
  
"Rachel!" Gunther's shout snapped her back into reality.  
  
"Yea?" She asked in a dazed tone. She could still hear the shouting in her head. She rubbed her eyes.  
  
"I need to close up." He said unhurriedly.  
  
"Oh, okay. Can I just have five minutes? I'll lock up, I promise."  
  
"Sure." He smiled handing her the keys. "Oh, and by the way, welcome back. How long are you staying."  
  
"Long enough to get old memories and regrets behind me." She half smiled.  
  
"Ok, well, it was nice to see you." He said as he began to leave.  
  
"Yea, It's been a while." She said to herself.  
  
Rachel had left the following week after the fight. She hadn't wanted to be there. She was just too hurt by all of the memories locked in the Central Perk, in the apartments, in New York. That's why she had moved. She moved as soon as she got a transfer, which was between her and Sophie, but luckily for her, she got it. Unlucky for her friends, and Ross, she took it. She didn't know why they couldn't have just talked it out. No, she knew why. She would never be able to look him in the eyes again. He had broken her heart. Many things had been said that day.  
  
And today, four years, she had returned.  
  
  
  
It's been a while  
  
Since I could hold my head up high  
  
And it's been a while  
  
Since I first saw you  
  
And it's been a while  
  
Since I could stand  
  
On my own to feet again  
  
And it's been a while since I could call you  
  
And every thing I can't remember  
  
As fucked up as it all my seem  
  
The consequences that I've rendered  
  
I've stretched myself beyond my means  
  
It's been a while  
  
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted and  
  
It's been a while  
  
Since I could say I love myself as well and  
  
It's been a while  
  
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do  
  
But everything seems to disappear when I'm with you  
  
And every thing I can't remember  
  
As fucked up as it all my seem  
  
The consequences that I've rendered  
  
I've stretched myself beyond my means  
  
It's been a while  
  
Since I could look at myself straight  
  
And it's been a while  
  
Since I said I'm sorry  
  
And it's been a while  
  
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face  
  
But I can still remember just the way you taste  
  
And every thing I can't remember  
  
As fucked up as it all my seem  
  
The consequences that I've rendered  
  
I've stretched myself beyond my means  
  
It's been a while  
  
Since I could hold my head up high  
  
And it's been a while  
  
Since I said I'm sorry....  
  
(Staind: It's been a while: Break the Cycle)  
  
TO BE CONTINUED?  
  
XOXOElizabethXOXO  
  
Hey Ya'll, I am dodging R+R Fan's bullets right now, but I will tell you all that it will be an R+R fic, okay? It's going to be good too, one of the fics I'll actually Finnish! Hooray! Lol. TTYL!  
  
REVEIW, PLEASE! 


	2. Fade

Fade  
  
Rachel listened to her feet tap in a rhythm on the dry sidewalk. She was exhausted from her plane ride, not to mention, hungry. Monica didn't even know she was here. Rachel had lost contact with all of them. She often thought that she had handled the situation very badly, running away like that, And she knew that they wouldn't just welcome her with open arms either. Especially Monica. Monica never blamed Rachel for the break up, but she did think Rachel was a coward.  
  
"You don't need to run away from your problems!" She had said.  
  
"I'm not, I am getting over him in my own way!" Rachel had shouted back. Rachel and Monica had never really fought before this night, and Rachel still remembered it perfectly.  
  
"No! You are being selfish! You think moving far away will help you get over him, when every night you'll lay awake in bed wondering, 'What may have happened if I had stayed.' This is only going to make you worse!"  
  
"Monica, I have to go, or my heart will break again."  
  
"Rachel, listen to me, the only way you will get over him is if you stay. If you go, neither of you will be able to move on and I will have to see my brother suffer every day. And if you come back someday, the same feelings, the same emotions, they will all be waiting right here, ready to start again."  
  
Rachel clenched her coat closer to her to protect herself from the cold. She was so dumb to have not listened to Monica. Monica had been right all along. Rachel had been gone for four years; four years and she didn't feel any different than when she left. She still felt hopeless, alone, and loveless. She wanted to lose all of the emotions, all of those memories. She wanted her life back. The only way to get it back is if she saw him again. If she looked into his eyes and said, 'I'm over you.' Though she knew deep inside that day would never come because she couldn't picture a day within the last few years where she hadn't thought of him. Every time she heard the word: Museum, or saw a man with dark brown eyes and black hair, she thought of him. Simple little things made her think of him. She did often wonder what might have happened if she had stayed.  
  
Would she have forgiven him? Would she be asleep in HIS bed beside him? Or would they be up together at this hour, four am, feeding their baby? She just didn't know.  
  
But it was too late for what ifs. She looked up at the building. The building she had walked in and out of so many times before. So many memories. She walked up the same old stairs to the same old hallway, oh, that hallway. She and Ross had ended so many dates there, kissed goodnight, so many times. And just after she said 'No, not tonight.' He would give her those eyes and she would end up inviting him in. But those were al just memories now, and with each passing year they seemed to drift farther and farther into the horizon of her mind.  
  
She did smile a little at the memory, but her face turn white as she stared at the green door. Monica was behind that door. Wait a minute, why was there a sign in the door?  
  
'The Bings?'  
  
She stepped a step back. She looked at Joey and Chandler's door. It looked the same. She knocked on it. She knew if anyone would be at least half way happy to see her it would be Joey. She heard nothing from inside, so she knocked again. Finally she turned the knob, Joey never locked the door. She entered, and cam face to face with Phoebe.  
  
"Okay, who the hell is in my house?" She screamed. Rachel had forgotten how tough Phoebe was.  
  
"Phoebe? It's Rachel." She flipped on the light switch.  
  
"Oh my god. What are you doing here?" She asked half shocked half angry.  
  
"Phoebe, listen to me. I am so sorry I left all of you, but please don't hate me. Please just talk to me."  
  
"Oh, I'm not mad, you just disturbed my sleep. Keep it down, Sandi is sleeping."  
  
"Sandi?" Rachel asked almost in a whisper.  
  
"Yea, Mine and Joey's daughter. I was so upset that you never got to see her. She's three now." She got a picture from off of the fridge and handed it to Rachel.  
  
"Phoebe, she's beautiful. So, you and Joey huh? How did that happen?"  
  
"We just decided to get married. I don't remember who suggested it, because we were drunk in Vegas, but we did. You know Joey and I are both too lazy to go through with a divorce, so we just stayed married. I have never been happier." Rachel missed Phoebe's stories. She smiled,  
  
"Where's Chandler?" She asked.  
  
"Oh, he and Monica were married two years ago. They got together in London at Ross' wedding." She paused. "You didn't know Ross got married, did you?"  
  
"No, I didn't."  
  
"That's okay, he's not anymore." She got the apple juice out of the fridge and poured a glass.  
  
"What? What happened?"  
  
"I probably shouldn't say."  
  
"No, Phoebe, tell me."  
  
"He said the wrong name at the alter."  
  
"Wow, that's worse then saying the wrong name during sex." Phoebe just stared at her. "Yes, I've done it." She smiled.  
  
"So, Monica and Chandler are happy though?"  
  
"Yes, and busy. Having a two years old and expecting another baby is hard work."  
  
"So much has changed, hasn't it?" she said sadly.  
  
"We missed you Rachel. And it's not like we didn't try to come in contact with you, you were always UN listed. I know that Monica has put up an angry front for the past few years, but she really wished you could have been there for her wedding, everyone saw it. When she walked down the isle, she had this look on her face that people get in movies when they are looking for someone. She secretly wanted you to run through the chapel doors on a simple whim. But you never did."  
  
Rachel felt tears forming in her eyes. She heard the door open, Chandler entered.  
  
"He Phoebes, I'm sorry, I was on my way to the grocery store, Monica needs cantaloupe, Hey Rach, it's her craving." He did a double take. "Rachel?"  
  
"Hi Chandler."  
  
"What are you doing here?" He asked quickly.  
  
"I'm here to see you guys." She said, then the door flew open.  
  
"Chandler, where's my cantaloupe?" Monica said in a harsh whisper. She was at least eight months into her pregnancy. Rachel half smiled.  
  
"Hello Monica."  
  
MORE TO COME!  
  
XOXOELIAZABETHXOXO  
  
How do u like it? Good? Bad? I don't know! Lol. Review, please! 


	3. Fading Memories

Fading Memories  
  
Monica's eyes narrowed. She gave Rachel a look that was hard to read. Rachel half waved.  
  
"What are you doing here?" She asked folding her arms. Rachel felt her heart skip a beat.  
  
"I'm here to see you guys." She said unsurely. Monica rolled her eyes in a way to say she didn't believe her.  
  
"All of a sudden, four years after abandoning us, you decided to make a surprise visit at 4:00 am?" She asked sarcastically. Rachel looked at her shoes.  
  
"I needed to come back, I need-"  
  
"Closure?" Monica asked hopefully. Rachel looked around and noticed that Chandler had disappeared. She looked down.  
  
"Yes. You were right Mon, you were right all along. I am haunted. I see him in every person I see, I hear him in every voice. There is no escaping it. I need to see him" She said sadly. Monica and Phoebe's eyes widened.  
  
"N-n-no you don't!" They said in unison. Rachel looked at them awkwardly.  
  
"Yes, yes I do."  
  
"He's, he's happy now Rach. He hasn't been happy for four years. And now Mona has come into his life and I think it has been the first time I have seen him smile since you left. You know what will happen if he sees you again. He won't be happy anymore, and I don't think any of us can see him miserable like that again. You should have seen him Rachel, you leaving hurt him. Mona has been the only thing he has smiled about." Phoebe finished. Rachel felt her eyes fill up.  
  
"Well, I guess I should be happy for him." She looked at Monica who was still giving her a cold, yet sorrowful look.  
  
"What are you really doing here? Four effin' years and not a single phone call to tell us you were even alive, and now you just show up? I hope you don't expect anything. Did you just think we were just going to welcome you back into our lives? That's just not how it works." She said harshly. She still had so much anger towards Rachel. Rachel didn't answer. "Go home Rach, just go home." She started to turn, and anger filed Rachel's soul.  
  
"What if this is my home? Do you expect me to just walk away?" Rachel asked. Monica looked at her sadly.  
  
"Why not? You did it so well in the past." She looked at Phoebe. "I'll see you tomorrow Pheebs." She gave Rachel one more heartbreaking look, then exited. Rachel stared at the door, mouth agape.  
  
"Well, I guess I'll just go-" Rachel began. Phoebe shook her head, laughing a bit.  
  
"Rachel, Monica still has a lot of anger towards you. You leaving hurt us all. You know how Monica is tough, she'll come around. Now, lets get you a bed-"  
  
"But Monica said-"  
  
"Since when have I ever listened to anything Monica said?" Phoebe asked joking. "Welcome back." Phoebe led her into Sandi's room. Sandi was sleeping in Joey and Phoebe's room that night, so Rachel made herself comfortable. For the first time in weeks, she slept.  
  
00000000000000000000000000000000  
  
Rachel awoke to a pair of huge green eyes staring at her. She looked at the little girl whom she guessed was Sandi. "Hi." She said simply. The little girl tilted her head and looked at Rachel in pure awe.  
  
"MOM! IT'S ALIVE!" She screamed. Rachel' sat up quickly, and the little girl took her hand and led her to the living room. Rachel was still wiping the sleep from her eyes when an unidentified object crashed into her knocking the wind out of her.  
  
"Joey?" She coughed. Joey pulled away from the giant bear hug.  
  
"It's so good to see you Rachel!" He shouted. Rachel smiled. She knew she could count on Joey to make her feel welcome. She kissed his cheek and walked towards the kitchen where Phoebe was pouring a bowl of cereal for Sandi.  
  
"Are you my aunt Rachel?" The little girl asked.  
  
"Yea, I guess I am." Rachel smiled. She said good morning to everyone and caught up on life, but desperately needed a shower, so she went and took one.  
  
She swore she could have stayed in there forever. It was her first shower in days, well, her first hot one. She loved the feeling of the gentle circuit of water bouncing off of her soft skin. Her hair had gotten longer, and a little darker. She looked at her ankle and saw the tattoo she had gotten of a purple and pink fairy in Mexico, and her blue belly button ring she had gotten in New Orleans, where she had been transferred. She missed New Orleans. It was wonderful there. It was warm, and fun. She loved the colors and the Marti Gras festivity her work attended. But New York was where she had left her heart.  
  
She got out of the shower and blow-dried her hair. She walked into her 'room' and dug through her bag. She didn't want to find it, but at the bottom of her bag was a picture frame she would set on the nightstand every night at every hotel's she stayed at. It was a picture, dated February 4th, four years prior to now. She looked at it. It was the night Ross had a big work party, the night he almost drank the chicken fat for her. The picture was at the party; it was she and Ross sitting next to each other at the table. She focused on her and his hands. She remembered how he used to hold her hand. He would hold it ever so lightly on a fear that he might have hurt her. She knew he always thought of stuff like that when they had been dating. He would always try his hardest not to hurt her. She closed her eyes and set it back in the bottom of the bag before she got dressed.  
  
She was taken by surprise when she stepped into the living room and saw Chandler. She stared at him awkwardly.  
  
"Hey"  
  
"Hey" she said unsurely. He smiled and bobbed his head as he motioned for a hug.  
  
"Come 'ere!" He said childishly. She smiled and walked into his arms. "Look, Mon will kill me if she finds out I came here. But I had to see ya."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Look, I know Monica's still sour, but you have to understand, she was hurt so badly when you just up and left. You should have seen her the past few years. She would always check her voice mail, she would jump every time the phone rang, she missed you." He said sadly. Rachel looked down.  
  
"I know."  
  
"Okay, so take care, I will see you soon, and remember, this meeting never happened!" He joked s he left. Rachel walked into the kitchen and set her head onto the table. She was surprised to see the front door open and a little boy who looked like Chandler entered. She looked at him, and then Monica ran in after him.  
  
"Josh, no!" She yelled. She looked at Rachel; a little surprised to see she was still here. She looked down. "Rach-" she began.  
  
"Monica, I am so so sorry, okay? I never should have left but I did because seeing Ross like that every day would have killed me, and I knew I would have given into him. I was scared; I didn't want to forgive him. And now I realize I CAN forgive him, but I can't forget him." She said hopelessly. Monica cradled her pregnant baby. Rachel looked at her. "I already lost him, I don't want to lose my best friend too." Monica eyes softened.  
  
"You could never lose me Rach. I just couldn't believe you actually left. I was heart broken. You missed my wedding. You missed the birth of my very first child. I would have wanted you to be first in line for all of that stuff, but you were gone. I missed you too." Both walked close to one another and embraced. Rachel had gotten her friend back.  
  
"But Monica, remember-" she began. Monica smiled sincerely.  
  
"Let's let all of those memories fade."  
  
  
  
FADE  
  
I try to breathe  
  
Memories over taking me  
  
I try to face them  
  
But the thought is too much to conceive  
  
I only know that I can change  
  
Everything else just stays the same  
  
So now I step out of the darkness that my life became cause  
  
All I needed was someone to talk to  
  
But you were just to busy with yourself  
  
You were never there for me  
  
To express how I felt  
  
I just stuffed it down  
  
Now I'm older and I feel like  
  
I should let some of this anger fade  
  
But it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I have made.  
  
So where were you?  
  
When all this I was going through?  
  
You never took the time to ask me just what you could do  
  
I only know that I can change  
  
Everything else just stays the same  
  
So now I step out of the darkness that my life became cause  
  
All I needed was someone to talk to  
  
But you were just to busy with yourself  
  
You were never there for me  
  
To express how I felt  
  
I just stuffed it down  
  
Now I'm older and I feel like  
  
I should let some of this anger fade  
  
But it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I have made.  
  
.....fade  
  
0000000000000000000000000000000000  
  
Rachel sat at the counter, still surprised that Phoebe, Joey and Sandi hadn't gotten home yet. She thumbed through an old magazine. The phone rang. With out thinking, she picked it up.  
  
"Hello?" She said deeply.  
  
"Pheebs? Is that you?" the voice on the other end said slowly. It was Ross. Rachel went white.  
  
"Mhm." She said muffled. She missed his voice. She didn't really talk, she just listened.  
  
"...and so, what do you think?" he finished.  
  
"I love it." She said normally. The phone went silent. She didn't mean to sound like herself; it just came out that way. She bit her lip and waited for his response. It was silent for another moment. She heard him breathing nervously. He finally spoke, but almost in a whisper.  
  
"Rachel?"  
  
XOXOElizabethXOXO  
  
Well? Did you like this chapter? I don't know the real reason why Rachel came back. I didn't want to cheapen or belittle the story line, so, I guess the reason she is back is because she couldn't get over Ross, and she needs closure, okay? And, if anyone knows how to download in bold and italic, will you let me know? Thank you! More will be posted within the weekend. Bye! FRIENDS ARE BACK! HOORAY! 


	4. Epiphany

Epiphany  
  
Rachel dropped the phone and backed away. She began to hyperventilate. Now he knew she was here, now he would be running through the front door any minute. She hurried out of the apartment to Monica and Chandler's. Monica was cooking and Josh was playing with a truck. Phoebe, Joey and Sandi were in the living room with Josh, and Chandler was at the kitchen table sorting the checkbook. She looked at Monica who looked at her in bewilderment.  
  
"He knows I'm here."  
  
"What? How?" Monica asked calmly.  
  
"He called, and he heard my voce, and he asked if it was me."  
  
"What did you do?" Chandler asked.  
  
"I dropped the phone and came over here." She said nervously. "I need to hide." She said quickly.  
  
"I thought you wanted to see him?" Phoebe asked a little bit confused.  
  
"I do, but you and Monica convinced me that it was a bad idea and now, I don't know what to do!" She said pacing. "I didn't want to see him like this." She heard footsteps outside of the apartment, and someone enter Phoebe and Joey's. Monica ran to the door and looked out of the peak hole.  
  
"It's him," she whispered. Rachel ran into the bathroom. She listened to the noises outside. At first all she could hear was the sizzling of the stove, but then she heard the front door open.  
  
"Oh Ross, what are you doing here?" Monica asked unusually loud.  
  
"Nothing. So, have you uh, heard anything from Rachel?" He asked suspiciously.  
  
"No." Monica said slowly. Ross looked at her and nodded.  
  
"Right, why would she try and get into contact with us?" He said sadly. Rachel felt her heart sink. She never knew how much she had hurt him when she left, but he hurt her too.  
  
"Nope, nothing about Rachel here." Chandler said pointing to the bathroom. Monica smiled and shrugged, then turned back to her cooking. His eyes widened and he pointed to the bathroom also to confirm it. Ross half smiled, and walked to the bathroom door. Rachel held her breath.  
  
"Rachel?" He asked as he lightly rapped on the door. Rachel got off of the counter and walked to the door. She set her hand onto the knob, and gripped it. She heard it rattle because of the shaking of her hand. She bit her bottom lip and turned the handle slowly. She held her breath and pulled the door open.  
  
She stepped out, their eyes locked and they both stared. Right there and then time just stood still. For a moment the whole world revolved around only them.  
  
"Rach, I missed you so much." He said with tears in his eyes. She smiled a little bit, and they embraced. It was such a strong yet gentle hug. They had waited four years, and now they were in each other's arms. The laughter and tears soon ended, when there was a knock at the front door. Chandler went to open it. It was Mona. Ross looked at Mona, then back at Rachel who simply stared at Mona. Ross let go of Rachel and walked over to Mona.  
  
"Uh, Mona, this is Rachel. You remember her? I told you about her." Ross asked nervously. Mona smiled.  
  
"The famous Rachel, of course. It's so great to finally meet you." She neared Rachel and shook her hand. Rachel smiled politely and walked towards the living room, sitting next to Sandi.  
  
"Mona, what are you doing here?" Ross asked.  
  
"I just wanted to tell you that my work called and they need me to fly into Quebec for the week, so I need to leave tonight."  
  
"Tonight? That's, uh, soon." Ross said sadly.  
  
"I know, they had Barb who was going to do it, but she had a family crisis, AKA she blew us off, so they asked if I could go. I just said yes, I need the promotion, you know that." Ross looked back at Rachel who looked at him with sadness in her eyes, and then she looked back up at the TV.  
  
"Okay, I'll, uh, I'll take you home, help you pack and call you a cab, okay?" He said helpfully.  
  
"Will you? That would be great. Let's go then." She waved to everyone. "Bye Rachel, it was great meeting you." Ross and Mona left. Rachel stood.  
  
"I need to go to bed." She said slowly.  
  
"Rachel, it's 6:00." Monica informed her.  
  
"I know." She said as she exited.  
  
Rachel got back into Phoebe and Joey's. She walked into Sandi's room and laid down on the bed. She wasn't at all tired, but she was exhausted from seeing Ross again. She got into her bag and pulled out the picture. It was time to forget. But she couldn't. She was an idiot to think coming back here would solve anything. She set the picture on the nightstand and stared at it until she fell asleep.  
  
Rachel looked at the Winnie the Pooh clock on the wall. 10:07. She had only slept for four hours, she wondered what woke her up. She heard noise coming from the living room, but shrugged it off because the thought it was only Phoebe and Joey. She laid back down and looked out the window. She saw tall skyscrapers and buildings. She closed her eyes as she heard the door open. She opened them just enough to see who it was, and she was surprised to see it was Ross. She rolled over to her side, facing him, her eyes still closed. She sat up slowly.  
  
"What are you doing in here?" She asked groggily.  
  
"I was just seeing if you were asleep or if you were faking it like you used to." He smiled. She looked at him. He hadn't changed. His hair was still dark, his eyes still brown.  
  
"How long have you been with Mona?" she asked in a whisper.  
  
"Five months." He replied. He wished she had gotten here earlier, before Mona. He didn't know that seeing her again would set off so many feelings. "Why did you leave?" He asked sadly. She shook her head.  
  
"I couldn't be here anymore."  
  
"Because of me?" he asked in a low tone, he stared at the ground.  
  
"There were other reasons." She said comforting him. She knew that there were none. She stood up. "I missed you too." She said with tears in her eyes. He began to cry. She didn't know exactly why, but he did. She wrapped her arms around him and held him close to her.  
  
"I'm so sorry." He said. She wiped tears of her own.  
  
"Ross, you don't need to be sorry. I came here to say I forgive you." She bit her lip. "I was so deeply hurt by the fact that you, well, you know. I couldn't find it in myself at the time to forgive you, but I have now. I want you to be happy. I need finality. And I know for you and Mona to have a long life together, you do too." She choked on the last part. She didn't want Mona to have Ross. She smiled. "I left because I was mad at you, and I came back because I never stopped loving you and never will, I want you to know that whenever you doubt it. And with love comes sacrifice, so I want you to take Mona and give her the same amount you gave to me. She'll be crazy if she lets you get away."  
  
He looked down at the nightstand, and the picture caught his eye. He smiled at it.  
  
"Do you ever think about how we used to be?"  
  
"Is everyday specific enough for you?  
  
You words; to me a whisper  
  
Your face is so unclear  
  
I try to pay attention  
  
The words just disappear  
  
  
  
Ross looked into her eyes and nodded.  
  
"Me too."  
  
Cause it's always raining in my head  
  
Forget all the things I should have said  
  
  
  
"Rachel, what if we think we did all the wrong things, but were right all along?"  
  
"I don't know, where would that leave us?"  
  
  
  
So I speak you in riddles  
  
Cause my words get in my way  
  
I smoke the whole thing in my head  
  
And feel it wash away  
  
Cause I can't take any more of this  
  
I want to come apart or  
  
Dig myself into a hole  
  
Inside your precious heart  
  
Cause it's always raining in my head  
  
Forget all the things I should have said  
  
Ross smiled at Rachel and she kissed his cheek, and with that, he was gone. She laid back down on the bed and tried to fall asleep, but the song still echoed in her mind.  
  
I am nothing more than a little girl inside  
  
That cries out for attention  
  
Thought I always try to hide  
  
And I talk to you like children  
  
But I don't know how I feel but I know  
  
I'll do the right thing  
  
If the right thing is revealed  
  
Cause it's always raining in my head  
  
Forget all the things I should have said..  
  
Epiphany  
  
Rachel fell asleep.  
  
XOXOElizabethXOXO  
  
Thank you all for your reviews! I love you all! 


	5. My All

I'd Give My All  
  
Rachel awoke again on the small, four-foot bed she had fallen asleep on. She felt so much better that she had gotten to tell him that she forgave him. She wondered if things were going to be normal again soon. She was so tired of running. It was time to settle down. She took a shower and got dressed. It was still early, 7:45 am, so she decided to go to Monica's and say hi.  
  
As soon as she entered Monica's, pancakes filled her nose. Of course, Monica was cooking, Josh was sitting on his daddy's lap, and Ross was at the table talking to Monica. Rachel smiled uncomfortably and walked toward Monica.  
  
"Hey Mon, morning."  
  
"Hi. Do you want one or two?" Monica asked not paying attention.  
  
"Oh, none. I'm not hungry. Ahem. So, what are you doing today?"  
  
"Waiting to pop." Monica joked, gesturing towards her stomach. Rachel laughed. Chandler stood up and walked over to Monica.  
  
"Uh, Mon, we have to get to your gyno appointment." He said checking his watch. Monica turned off the stove and went over to her purse.  
  
"Rachel, what are you doing today?"  
  
"I'm just checking listings for an apartment. Why?"  
  
"Can you watch Josh for a few?" Monica asked pleadingly. "I need this THING out of me."  
  
"Yea. Go ahead. Do you have the Sunday paper?"  
  
"Uh huh. On the table. I'll see you later. Bye Josh, mommy loves you." Monica waved to her son and she and Chandler exited. Rachel turned around slowly, and saw Ross was still there. He was drinking a coffee, looking at the paper. She needed the apartment section, but she didn't want to ask him for it. She walked into the living room and sat next to Josh who was staring at her with a Monica glare.  
  
"What?" Rachel asked a bit annoyed.  
  
"Where's my mom?" He asked in a mean tone. Rachel laughed a bit. For being a brat, he was still a cutie.  
  
"She's getting her tummy checked out by the doctors." She said as she began to straighten up the living room. There wasn't really anything to clean, but she thought she might as well get whatever she could pick up.  
  
"Who are YOU?" He asked in the same tone.  
  
"I'm your aunt Rachel." Rachel said happily. The little boy simply shook his head.  
  
"No. I ondly gots two ants. Ant Feeby and ant Ross." Rachel looked at the little boy and laughed again.  
  
"I think you mean UNCLE Ross." She corrected. Ross' head popped up reacting to hearing his name.  
  
"What?" He asked.  
  
"Nothing. I was just explaining to Josh that you were his Uncle and not his Aunt." She smiled.  
  
"Right." He said nodding. He averted his eyes back to the newspaper. Rachel walked slowly over to the kitchen. She looked back to see that Josh was glued to the TV. She looked back over at Ross. Rachel sat down across from him at the table.  
  
"So." She sighed.  
  
"Yea?" Ross asked, not looking off of the paper.  
  
"How are you?" She asked. She didn't know why they were acting so weird towards each other. Ross wouldn't look her in the eyes.  
  
"Fine." He said. He looked down at his watch, and then he stood. "I uh, I have to go to work." He quickly took his briefcase and left. Rachel put her head in her hands and sighed another sigh. She thought the awkwardness would be over by now. She looked back over at Josh. His eyes peeking over the couch. She smiled, but he looked away.  
  
"Josh, come here." Rachel said standing. The little boy shook his head. "Josh, It's ok. I won't bite. Just come here, I want to talk to you." Reluctantly, the Josh stood and hobbled over to Rachel. "That's better. Now, why don't you like me?"  
  
"Cause my mommy said you were bad." He said solemnly.  
  
"Sweetie, I'm not bad. Your mommy was very mad at me for a while, but I'm not bad. I love your mommy and daddy very very much." She said as she lifted him onto her lap. "I know you don't know me very well, and that's my fault, but I love you sweetie. I am not bad." She smiled. He looked at her and smiled a little.  
  
"Weally?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Can I have ice cream?"  
  
Rachel looked at him, then the clock.  
  
"At 8:00 in that morning? I think not." She smiled as she tickled him. "Okay. Well, go watch your movie while I look at the paper."  
  
"Hey, ant Wachel? Are you friends with my onkle Woss?"  
  
"Yea." She paused. "Yea I guess I am."  
  
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000  
  
Monica had been admitted. She is two weeks early, but her baby wants out now. Chandler came by to pick up Josh and take him to Monica at the hospital, so Rachel went back to Joey and Phoebe's apartment. She had circled three apartments, and looked at one. It was nice, small, but nice. It would be a fresh new start. She went into the living room and turned on the TV.  
  
Rachel was deep into 'Green Acres' (The only thing that was on) when the front door opened. It was Ross. She looked up at him, but then quickly back to the TV.  
  
"Hey." He greeted.  
  
"Hi." She smiled back.  
  
"So, how are you?"  
  
"Fine, I guess" She shrugged. "You?"  
  
"I'm okay. I've just been, uh, thinking a lot the last day or two, about all this old stuff. Remember how I had that uh, thing for Princess Leia?" He asked. She hadn't thought of that in a long time.  
  
"Yea. Sure I do. How's Mona?" She asked, changing the subject.  
  
"She's fine. She's sad that she's going to miss seeing Monica have the baby, so she's trying to get back here as soon as possible."  
  
"Great." Rachel stood. He could sense a bit of emotion in that 'Great.'  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Uh, Rach, I have a question. I can't help but wonder it for the past few years. Do you think, if the whole break thing never happened, that we would have lasted?" He asked slowly.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Really?" He was taken aback with her answer. "I didn't think you felt the same."  
  
"I do. I think about it everyday, Ross." She said, her eyes filling.  
  
  
  
I'm thinking of you  
  
In my sleepless solitude tonight  
  
If it's wrong to love you  
  
Then my heart just won't let me be right  
  
Cause I'm drowned in you  
  
And I won't pull through  
  
Without you by my side.  
  
Rachel leaned in and kissed his lips. He just stared at her for a long while. Both of their hearts were beating. She looked into his eyes.  
  
I'd give my all  
  
To have  
  
Just one more night with you  
  
I'd risk my life  
  
To feel  
  
You body next to mine  
  
Cause I can't go on  
  
Living in the memory of our song  
  
I'd give my all  
  
For your love  
  
Tonight...  
  
Ross continued to stare, but after a while, he leaned back in and kissed her back. She was caught off guard, not expecting to be welcomed where he was concerned, but it was as if it was something they needed to do, unfinished business.  
  
Baby, can you feel me  
  
  
  
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes  
  
  
  
I can see you clearly  
  
  
  
Vividly emblazoned in my mind  
  
  
  
And yet you're so far  
  
  
  
Like a distant star  
  
  
  
I'm wishing on tonight  
  
Rachel wrapped her arms lovingly around his neck, pulling his closer to her. Ross suddenly snapped into realization.  
  
"Mona." He whispered. "I can't do this to Mona."  
  
I'd give my all  
  
  
  
To have just one more night with you  
  
  
  
I'd risk my life  
  
  
  
To feel your body next to mine  
  
  
  
'Cause I can't go on  
  
Rachel suddenly looked very sad.  
  
"Rachel, I've already done this once and lost the love of my life, I don't want to screw up again."  
  
Living in the memory of our song  
  
  
  
I'd give my all  
  
  
  
For your love tonight  
  
  
  
I'd give my all  
  
  
  
To have just one more night with you  
  
  
  
I'd risk my life  
  
  
  
To feel your body next to mine  
  
  
  
'Cause I can't go on  
  
  
  
Living in the memory of our song  
  
  
  
I'd give my all  
  
  
  
For your love tonight  
  
  
  
"But Ross, I'm right here." She smiled. "You didn't lose me."  
  
Give my all for your love  
  
  
  
Tonight  
  
"And, Ross, I have a confession." Rachel said, her face close to his, both closing their eyes.  
  
"Uh-uh?" He said a bit out of it.  
  
"I think I love you still." She whispered. Ross' eyes opened quickly and he moved away.  
  
"Wha-what?"  
  
"I do, I still love you."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yes!" She said a bit irritated. He smiled, but the smile faded as his cell phone rang.  
  
"Hello?... Yea....Is she okay?... Good... Mona's there? Already?... Okay, we'll be right there." With that, he flipped the top of his cell phone shut and looked over at Rachel. "Mona's here. And, I love her rach. I do, I love her a lot. It took a long time for me to get over you, and I don't think I want to try again if we don't work out."  
  
"But we will..."  
  
"How do you know?" He said, his eyes filled with tears. "You were supposed to be the one I spent my entire life with..."  
  
"And whose fault is that?" She asked defensively. He looked down.  
  
"I can't do it Rachel, Not again." He looked at her. "You disappeared out of my life for four years, and then returned expecting me to drop everything and move on with OUR relationship. Well, it won't work this time. It may have worked with Julie, but it's not working with Mona."  
  
"Okay." She said nodding. "Let's get down to the hospital."  
  
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000  
  
Rachel walked over to greet Phoebe and Joey and Chandler, as Ross ran to greet Mona. Mona smiled at Rachel, who smiled back, fighting off the urge to roll her eyes. Rachel felt a little hand in hers. She looked down to see Josh, and hest to him Sandi, both leading her to to waiting room. She followed and sat on the couch.  
  
"Yes?" She asked. Sandi, being older, spoke first.  
  
"Josh said you're my aunt Rachel." She smiled.  
  
"I am, that's true."  
  
"Well, you gotta promise that you won't leave 'gain cuz mommy said that's why we just met you now."  
  
Rachel looked over at Ross and Mona, who were laughing and smiling together. A sudden rush of feeling came over her. She looked at the little pair of pleading eyes staring at her.  
  
"Okay, I promise."  
  
  
  
XOXOElizabethXOXO 


	6. Let Him Go

Let Him Go  
  
Rachel stepped into Monica's empty hospital room. Monica looked very tired, and impatient.  
  
"Hey girl, how are you feeling?" Rachel asked sitting down in the chair next to the hospital bed.  
  
"I'm fine, for having a human about to come out of me. Chandler went downstairs to ask for a nurse to come up and see how much I've dilated." She smiled. "How's Josh?"  
  
"He's good. Me and him are really good friends now." Rachel smiled. "He's a cutie. You know,.." she paused, looking at Monica. "I can't begin to tell you how envious I am of you. You and Chandler have, well, are about to have, two beautiful children, a nice home, and a loving relationship. I tell you, I would give anything to have what you have." Rachel looked down, obviously thinking of Ross. Monica lifted her head off her pillow.  
  
"Rach, you can still have all of that." She said heartfelt. Rachel merely shook her head.  
  
"No, I had my chance." She half smiled. "Congratulations though."  
  
"Rachel, I need to tell you something. Obviously you haven't gotten over him, but you really need to let him go. He would go crazy if he knew you felt this way. He's really happy and...."  
  
"I know, Mon, okay? I know." Rachel calmed herself and smiled. "I'm going to go get some juice." She turned and walked out of the room.  
  
  
  
When you love someone so deep that they become your life  
  
It's easy to succumb to overwhelm you feel inside  
  
Blindly I imagined I could keep you under glass  
  
Now I understand to hold you I must open up my hands and watch you  
  
Spread your wings and prepare to fly  
  
For you have become a butterfly  
  
Oh fly up and be free into the sun  
  
If you should return to me  
  
We truly were meant to be so  
  
Spread your wings and fly, butterfly....  
  
  
  
Rachel walked into the cafeteria of the hospital. She was very tired. She looked over and noticed Mona, who was sitting at a table reading a book. Rachel sighed and walked over to her. She knew that for her to be happy again, she needed to let Ross be with the one he loved, and she couldn't change his mind. She sat down beside her. Mona looked up and smiled. She had a very warm smile, Rachel noted.  
  
"Hi Rachel. It's so great that we finally have a few moments to talk. I want to know just why no one could stop talking about you. You must be so great." She said happily. Rachel fake smiled.  
  
"I wanted to talk to you about Ross." She began. Mona set down her book.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Well, I just wanted to come over here and tell you personally, what a great person he is. I know he has made some really bad mistakes in the past, I mean, there was a time when my mom was all, 'once a cheater always a cheater,' but he is seriously the best guy I have ever met."  
  
"Yea, he told me about yours and his relationship. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am.."  
  
"Why are you apologizing? It happened like, years ago. You don't have to worry about it." Rachel said uncomfortably. "Anyways, Mona, DO NOT hurt him, DO NOT let him get away. He is one in a BILLION! I swear, I made my mistake, do not let history repeat itself."  
  
"Oh, I won't. I am just so happy that our relationship has made it this far. I have never had a relationship that was this serious, and I'm not even scared." She smiled.  
  
"Well, good for you." Rachel said half sarcastically, but Mona didn't notice. "Well, I'm going to go see how far along Monica is." Rachel said standing. "Oh, and Mona, I'm serious, don't hurt him. Just don't."  
  
Rachel walked out of the cafeteria and through the winding halls and corridors of the hospital. Finally, she found Monica's room and entered. Monica was no longer in it. She smiled. Monica was having the baby.  
  
Rachel walked out of the room and towards the waiting room, where she saw Ross looking like a wreak, talking to the doctor. Rachel walked over to see what was going on.  
  
"....And we're lucky that it doesn't look like things might have taken a turn for the worst." That was all she heard from the doctor, but the expressions of her friends face said a billion words.  
  
"Is Monica okay?" Rachel asked quickly. The doctor looked at Rachel.  
  
"Mrs. Bing is fine, the baby however, is having complications. Right now, the umbilical chord is stuck around her neck, causing her to not get enough air. It will be corrected soon enough though, these things happen to one out of 10 babies. Mrs. Bing's baby girl will be okay within the hour." He finished. Rachel exhaled.  
  
The doctor soon left, leaving Rachel and Ross alone in an empty waiting room. Rachel looked over at him, and then walked over to sit on the waiting room couch. She saw Ross looking at her, but when they made eye contact they both looked away quickly. She heard Ross sigh.  
  
"This is ridiculous. We are still friends, aren't we?" He laughed.  
  
"Yea, I guess we are." Rachel smiled sadly.  
  
"Why did you kiss me, by the way?" Ross asked quickly, like it had been on his mind for hours.  
  
"Cause I still love you."  
  
"God, Rachel, don't say that."  
  
"You wanted the truth right?" There was a long, awkward silence. "Why did you kiss me back?" She asked. He had been caught.  
  
"Would it sound crazy if I said I still loved you?" He asked slowly.  
  
"No, it wouldn't. But don't say it, because you are with Mona now." Rachel said standing up facing him.  
  
"I know! And Mona is great, I love Mona." He said as if trying to convince himself first. "But I love you too. This could be a problem." He chuckled.  
  
"Ross, you and I have already been together, I already told you to stay with Mona. I know you love her; I am tired of ruining your happiness. Julie, us, it's like a cycle. Don't make me coming back and confessing..." Before she could finish, Ross had pulled her close and began to kiss her. She was very hesitant at first, but that didn't stop her. She wanted this so badly. She was just getting into the kiss when....  
  
"You're right Rach." A voice rang. Rachel and Ross parted ways quickly when they saw Mona standing in the hallway of the waiting room. "Once a cheater always a cheater." With a simple stare that could make you melt, Mona turned and walked down the hall. Ross looked desperately at Rachel.  
  
"Go after her." Rachel said sadly. Ross nodded and hurried down the hall. Rachel sighed and sat down on the couch. The whole world was spinning around her. She felt like she was going crazy with all of the emotions. She had done it again; she had messed up Ross' happiness again. Chandler hurried into the room.  
  
"She's here! I just had a baby, again! Wahoo-hoo!" He cheered. Rachel stood.  
  
"Is she back in her room? Can I see the baby?" Rachel asked excitedly. Chandler nodded and both ran back into the room. Rachel entered quietly, inching her way in. Monica sat prepped up against some pillows holding a little girl in her hands. She smiled broadly.  
  
"It's a girl!" She said quietly, her voice cracking. Rachel smiled and walked over besides her, looking down at the little black haired girl. She was going to look just like Monica.  
  
"She's beautiful, Mon. Just beautiful." Rachel smiled. "What's her name?" She asked. Monica smiled again.  
  
"Tiffany Rachel Bing." Monica said proudly. Rachel felt her heart melt. "We wanted to put your name in there somewhere." Rachel leaned down and kissed the little girl on the head.  
  
"I'm so proud." She said nobly.  
  
00000000000000000000000000000000000  
  
Rachel needed to get some sleep. She had felt like she had been awake forever. Monica, Chandler and Tiffany were all sleeping in the room. Rachel got her purse and began to leave. She walked out to the parking lot, but noticed Ross and Mona still out front. She tried to hurry past, but her curiosity got the best of her. She listened from a safe distance.  
  
"..And that is why I can't be with you." She heard her finish. Rachel watched her take something off of her finger and give it to him. "Please give this to someone you are ready to be with forever. I can't be married to someone who doesn't love me as much as I love him." Ross was engaged to Mona? Rachel felt a sudden anger grow inside of her. She knew it wasn't that big of a deal, but she felt cheated in some way. She watched Mona stand and walk away. She didn't waste any time, she walked over to Ross as soon as Mona was out of sight. Ross quickly wiped away what had appeared to be tears.  
  
"You were engaged?" Rachel asked, trying not to sound too upset.  
  
"Rach, please not right now."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me you were engaged?"  
  
"Because I love it when we get into fights!" He said sarcastically. Rachel narrowed her eyes.  
  
"I was asking a simple question. Yes, I am upset that you didn't tell me you were about to be married. Did you have a date?" Rachel asked. Ross was silent for a moment. "Did you have a date?" She asked again.  
  
"October 15." He finished. Rachel's mouth opened.  
  
"You were going to get married in a month? Ross? Where you just not going to tell me? Were you just going to let me keep being in love with you?"  
  
"That is not my fault. You never asked how serious Mona and I were. Yes, WERE. She just left me Rach. Take a wild guess as to of why!"  
  
"Because YOU kissed ME!"  
  
"I kissed you because YOU told me you were in love with me!"  
  
"I didn't stop you because you said you loved me too!"  
  
"Well this fight is pointless." Ross said running an impatient hand through his hair.  
  
"You're right. This is so pointless." She finished as she walked to her car. Ross sat and put his head in his hands.  
  
XOXOElizabethXOXO 


	7. Running Back to You

Running back to you© By XOXOElizabethXOXO  
  
Rachel walked into Phoebe and Joey's. It was around eight o'clock, and they were all watching a movie. Rachel walked straight into her room. Phoebe and Joey just shrugged it off, until Rachel walked out to the living room with her bags.  
  
"Where are you going?" Joey asked quickly. Rachel shrugged.  
  
"I don't know. And you know what? I feel pretty damn good about that." She said as she went into the bathroom and got her toiletries.  
  
"Nuh-uh, you're running away again." Phoebe said brightly. "And I won't let you."  
  
"Pheebs, it was stupid for me to come back. There was NO POINT. I am going back tonight. I can't, I just can't be here." She said helplessly.  
  
"I'm not letting you run away from Ross again. That's just not how it works. You are just going to piss everyone off again." Joey said walking in front of the door. Rachel let out an annoyed sigh.  
  
"Why are you guys doing this to me? I was an idiot to come back! I just let history repeat itself again! I am sick of it!"  
  
"No! Rachel, stop running!"  
  
"Why should I stay?" Rachel asked dropping her bags. Phoebe put her hands on Rachel's shoulders. Rachel looked over at the couch at Sandi, who was looking at her with a great sadness in her eyes.  
  
"Aunt Rachel? Are you leaving?" Rachel looked down at her feet.  
  
"Because you made a promise to a little girl and a little boy that you wouldn't leave them. And what kind of aunt would you be if you did?" Phoebe whispered. Rachel looked down and nodded. She smiled a little.  
  
"That's no fair. You used the child on me." She said quietly.  
  
"Go put your bags back into your room, and go talk to Ross. He called a moment ago, he told us about Mona. Isn't this what you want?" Joey asked. Rachel nodded.  
  
"We'll see you later then." Phoebe smiled. "Go."  
  
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Rachel walked silently down the street. She felt an instant reminder of the night she came here. The night was much like this, slightly cold and still. She looked at the tall buildings with a glowing window here and there. They must have been lighten by the workaholics that stayed up until all hours of the night, working on that project that was due the next day. She focused back down at her feet, tapping on the sidewalk. She wasn't sure if Ross was going to talk to her, especially how she treated him. She never should have confronted him about being engaged to Mona, that wasn't her place to explore. But how could he have not told her? In fact, why hadn't anyone told her? Rachel walked into the apartment building and down the hall until she stood in front of Ross' door. She took in a breath, and knocked on the old oak door. There was no response. She jiggled the handle, and found the door left unlocked.  
  
Rachel peeked her head into the dark apartment. It seemed no one was home. She ventured on. She couldn't help touching things as she went by. A sculpture, a picture, little things that she remembered from so long ago. She looked above his mantle and found a picture of Ben when he was still very little, sitting on her lap. She wondered why he hadn't cropped it to make is a picture of only Ben, but didn't ask questions. She entered his room to see if he was asleep. She only found a well-made, empty bed. The closet door was wide open, so she could see his shoes stacked close by one by one. She saw his clothes on the hangers neatly resting in order. He wasn't there.  
  
An open shoebox on his bed caught her eyes. It was a Bloomingdale's one, and she knew he never got shoes there. Without thinking twice, Rachel walked over and pulled the shoebox carefully to her. Caressing it slowly, she looked inside.  
  
At first there was a smell. It was a familiar one, her perfume. She used to wear it when she and Ross were dating. Ross loved that perfume. It was GAP: Dream. She opened it all the way. It was filled with old letters and little things. She dug down deep and found an old, dried up rose, with a little tag on it. "Our one year anniversary." It simply said. She bit her lip. Looking further, she picked up one of the many envelopes. It was a letter she had written to him, two months before they had split. She pulled out a little tiny bear holding a heart that she had stolen from work and given it to him because it made her think of him. The memories came flooding back to her. She closed her eyes and set everything back in. Then she saw it, it in far left corner. A piece of paper and a rubber band wrapped the square object. Curiosity got the best of her and she pulled it out.  
  
First Rachel pulled off the rubber band and unwound the paper. It was just a piece of scratch paper, but it had a little speech on it. She read it.  
  
"We've only been together for a year now, but I haven't ever felt this close to you. So many things are happening, and we are facing so many different obstacles, but I am even more in love with you than I was a year ago. I know I have some bad traits, and I know I am not perfect. But you make me feel like I am perfect because that is almost how you see me. I love you so much, sweetie, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, even if it's not in Scarsdale. So I ask you, tonight, Feb 4, 1997, our one-year anniversary: Rachel, Will you marry me?"  
  
Rachel wiped tears from her cheek. She never had a clue that he was going to purpose. She looked down at the black box and sighed. She opened the object that the paper had been surrounding. As she had figured, a simple ring sat inside. One that hadn't ever been out of the box. Little had she known it had been out all the time when Ross looked at it. The ring had never been used. She sniffed and looked up helplessly. Closing the box and placing everything back into the box, she got off the bed and left the apartment.  
  
Where was she going to go? What was she going to do? Who was she going to tell first? Questions bounced off of the walls in Rachel's head as pulled her coat to herself tighter. She didn't know where she was exactly, but everything looked very familiar so she didn't worry. She stopped dead in her tracks, staring at the building at the end of the street. The Museum of Natural History. She felt a sudden urge to see the stars.  
  
At first she was afraid that it wasn't going to be open, but it was only 9:00, and the museum closed at 9:30, giving her enough time to see what she desperately felt she needed to see. She walked down the big rooms filled with art and sculptures, and passed the ice age and cave man models. She finally stood in front of a set of double doors, with a sign above: The Planetarium. She scooped out a bag of popcorn and two juice boxes from the popcorn machine before she entered.  
  
The room was dark of course. She looked up and gazed at the stars. She didn't think that they would be on, but she was glad that they were. She looked towards the stage, the place where she and Ross had first well, you know. She walked down the aisles of seats to find a good place to sit, just until she had remembered enough. She sat in the back row. The room was empty. Or so she thought. Looking around she saw a man sitting in the row above her. He was tall, and had black hair, from what she could see. She stood up and walked to a point where she could see his face. It was, (as you may know) Ross. She felt her heart skip a beat. Before she knew it, she was walking towards him. He didn't even notice her. She sat down next to him and looked at him. Still, he did not acknowledge the fact that she was there. She took her popcorn and pointed it towards him.  
  
"Popcorn?" She asked politely. He looked over at her and smiled a little.  
  
"No thanks." He said as he pulled a bag up. "I have my own." He leaned back and looked up at the stars. Rachel smiled sweetly as little details of that night popped into her head.  
  
"So, uh. Do you want cran-apple or grape?" She asked him.  
  
"Grape." She handed him a juice box. He smiled. "I've been waiting for you to get here for an hour now." He said emphatically.  
  
"I didn't know that. Sorry if I kept you waiting." She said sadly. Ross looked into her eyes and smiled. He was silent for a moment.  
  
"Like a girlfriend of mine once said, 'you were worth the wait... and I don't just mean tonight." He smiled and looked back up at the stars.  
  
"I'm sorry if I ruined another one of your relationships. I didn't sabotage this one though." She insisted. Ross sighed.  
  
"I know. Mona was great, and I'm going to miss her. But that wasn't where I wanted to be." He looked at her.  
  
"Uh-huh. And, uh where, where is it that you want to be?" She asked blankly.  
  
"Scarsdale." He said simply.  
  
"Scarsdale?"  
  
"Yup. I want to be in Scarsdale. Looking at the real stars. Putting two children to bed. I want to walk outside and sit on the back porch. That's where I want to be. With my wife."  
  
"And-and, who are you on that back porch with?"  
  
"Preferably my wife. But that's not going to happen. Not for a long long time though."  
  
"Oh." She said dejectedly. "Wow, this place brings back some memories, eh?" She asked changing the subject. He looked directly at the stage.  
  
"Ohhh yea. It sure does." A little, perhaps embarrassed smile crossed his face as he remembered. "We had some good times though, right?"  
  
"Oh! Yea. Some fun times, some romantic times. Some, uh, hard times. But we always overcame it."  
  
"Yep. That's true."  
  
"Do you think we can overcome this?" She said after a while. Ross looked into her soft blue eyes. He had to pry himself away because the stare she had was hypnotizing.  
  
"I think it's possible." He finally said. "I mean. We like each other enough to move on."  
  
"But, I don't like you."  
  
"Oh? That's a self esteem booster." He joked. She was about to open her mouth, but he stopped her. "Don't, don't say anything you will regret. I am not going to get involved with someone I'm just not compatible with."  
  
"Compatible? Hell Ross, we were in love." She joked. He looked at her.  
  
"Were?"  
  
"Well, I don't want to get into something I will be hurt in. And I don't want to hurt you either. Well, I mean, I dunno, we can get over this. We love each other. Even if it's just as friends. But, Ross, I find myself in a situation where being friends hurts the most." Rachel said softly, moving her head slowly close to his. She was about to kiss him, when she heard the creaking of the planetarium door open. A tall security guard came in.  
  
"Dr. Geller? You can stay but ma'am, we're closing up now."  
  
"I'll uh, I'll see you later I guess." He said looking back at the stars. Sad, and a bit hurt, Rachel left the room.  
  
XOXOElizabethXOXO  
  
Last Chapter, coming up! ( 


	8. Moving On With Life

Moving On  
  
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons,'  
  
Finally content with a past I regret  
  
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness  
  
For once I'm at peace with myself  
  
I've been burdened with blame  
  
Trapped in the past for too long  
  
I'm moving on  
  
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces  
  
Each one is different but they're always the same  
  
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it  
  
They'll never allow me to change  
  
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong  
  
I'm moving on  
  
I'm moving on, at last I can see  
  
Life has been patiently waiting for me  
  
And I know there's no guarantee but I'm not alone  
  
There comes a time in every ones life  
  
When all you can see are the years passing by  
  
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone  
  
I sold what I could,  
  
Packed what I couldn't  
  
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town  
  
I've loved like I should,  
  
But lived like I shouldn't  
  
I had to loose everything to find out  
  
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road.  
  
I'm moving on  
  
The last few days had been anything but easy for Rachel. Coming back to your best friends lives, confessing love to someone. But Rachel was ready to get her life back. Her job, her friends: to make up for lost times. She thought about everything on her way home from the museum. She still couldn't get over how close she had gotten to getting Ross back. She was pretty disappointed that she didn't get too far with it though. Maybe, she had to do what had worked in the past for them. Waiting it out. When she started liking him in the very beginning, she waited it out. When he made the list, they waited it out. Even with the break: waiting four years was still waiting it out.  
  
She walked back up to the hallway leading to Phoebe and Joey's apartment, but suddenly she didn't feel like going inside. She wanted to walk more, to get her ideas together. She wanted to breath. She turned at walked down the stairs. Rachel was half way down the stairs when she stopped, staring down at the man who was going up them. She half smiled, but corrected herself, making a serious face. He looked up and stopped too.  
  
"Hi." She said quietly.  
  
"Hey." Ross said back. "I was just thinking about what you said at the museum and.." He began to talk quickly. Rachel walked down the stairs slowly, one step at a time, until she came face to face with him.  
  
"Let's talk about this at your place." She said passing him. He quickly fell into step with her all the way to the exit of the building.  
  
The walk to his apartment was silent. He seemed to be rehearsing what he needed to say over and over again inside of his head. Rachel, however, was deep in thought. She knew that this was it. She was almost there. Almost back into his heart, if she had ever left. She leaned her head on his shoulder as they continued down the sidewalk, untul they reached his apartment.  
  
"Here, let me take your coat." He said as Rachel handed him her jacket. He smiled. "Do you want anything?" He asked. She shook her head.  
  
"You were saying though?"  
  
"I was? Yes. I was. I was thinking about what you said back at the uh, the uh, uhm."  
  
"Museum?"  
  
"Yes! Yes! Museum." She could tell he was nervous. "I wanted to tell you I think that, maybe we could work out, you know? I just think that we seriously need therapy first."  
  
"Therapy? Ross, just listen to me: Do you ever just know? I mean, do you ever just have that feeling that things were meant to be? If you don't, I feel so bad for you because you have NO clue what you are missing. I know that you are the person I am meant to be with. And if you can't see that WITHOUT a doctor telling you, I don't think you agree with how I feel." She said backing away from him slowly.  
  
"It's just a suggestion. I really, really want this. God, I want this. I just, I don't know if we can do it alone. We need help."  
  
"Well, I don't think we do. I love you Ross. I do. There are no if ands or buts about it. I never stopped loving you." She paused and smiled. "Let's face it, we're stuck with each other." Ross smiled a little and stepped closer to her, putting his forehead to hers.  
  
"I love you too. And,,,, maybe we don't need counseling. I just thought that we needed that little extra push."  
  
"I already got pushed. The second I saw you again." There was a long pause, Ross just stared longingly into her eyes. Finally, in one swift move, he pulled her closer and pressed his lips to hers, wrapping his arms fully around her waist. Rachel slid her hands up his back, resting on his shoulders. The kiss seemed to last forever. Finally, they parted, giving each other a few shorter kisses here and there. Ross opened his eyes.  
  
"So, what's going to happen with us?" He asked in a whisper. Rachel just sighed.  
  
"We're going to wake up each morning. We are going to breathe in and out. We are going to go on with our lives..." She smiled. "And we'll make love every single night." Both laughed quietly.  
  
"Promise?" He asked in a teasing tone.  
  
Both just sat on the couch, smiling sweetly at each other. Rachel leaned her head on his shoulder like she had done outside.  
  
"Oh..:" she sighed. "I promise. Do you promise?" She asked calmly. Ross looked down at her then back at his hands.  
  
"Forever and ever."  
  
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Epilogue:  
  
Ross asked Rachel to marry him within the first two years they were reunited. (He was a little shocked when Rachel knew his speech he gave her that night.) The wedding was in Scarsdale, where they now live. Sandi was the flower girl, and Josh was the ring bearer. The wedding was outside, at night, under the stars. (Pretty cool, eh?) They bought a big house for the big family they long to have. So far, Rachel is only pregnant, with a girl.  
  
Most people say, that there is no telling what happens in love. It's like a crooked game of poker. But once in a while, you just know....  
  
"***True love cannot be found where it doesn't truly exist..  
  
Nor can it be hidden where it truly does..****"  
  
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The sun was setting over the hills. It was Rachel's favorite time of the day. The time when the stars where getting ready co come out and shine. She sat on her front porch, stroking her stomach lovingly. 7 months pregnant. She could hardly wait. She looked inside the house; Ross had just gotten home from work. He was looking through the mail, but set it down on the counter and walked out by Rachel instead.  
  
"Hey." He smiled.  
  
"Hey you." She smiled back. He leaned in and kissed her cheek.  
  
"Any baby news?" He asked excitedly.  
  
"She moved again today." She smiled looking down at her stomach.  
  
He smiled and gave her a hug. He looked out towards the sunset as he sat down beside her.  
  
"Did you ever think we'd make it this far?" He asked as he stared hypnotized by the sun setting.  
  
"Hmmm.." She shrugged. She leaned against him. "But we did. And that's all that matters."  
  
  
  
The End  
  
XOXOElizabethXOXO 


End file.
